Relationships can be tricky. There are high points that can leave you feeling so happy and low points that can have you questioning the whole thing. My relationship with motherhood is a lot like that. There are moments that are wonderful and then there are hard times that I ask myself “WTF was I thinking?” There are moments that I feel like I must be doing something right because I see how amazing my two kids are, and there are times that I feel like an epic failure. Let me put it this way: I adore my children and most times I love motherhood, but sometimes I just…don’t.
I love the bond I share with each of my kids, and knowing that it is uniquely ours. I love the way my son will nestle into me and hold my hand when he wants to snuggle. I love the way my daughter wraps her arms around my neck and squeezes when she wants to give me a big hug and kiss.
I hate the guilt I feel as a working mom. I hate that I’ve missed out on big moments, like watching my son’s first steps or being a volunteer parent for his school trip; and little moments like drop off or pick up from daycare and school or taking them to the playground before dinner.
I love the happiness I feel when I am with my kids. There is something so pure, innocent and refreshing about how they view life, and the joy they bring when they are relishing in playing with their toys, running around the playground, reading a new book or having a dance party in our family room.
I hate the sadness I feel sometimes as a mom. Recently we have been getting rid of our baby items and I have been feeling a deep sadness in knowing that this part of my life is over. My children are growing up and no longer babies. I know that this next chapter will be an exciting one, but closing the book on the baby years is a bit difficult for me.
I love the sound of my kids laughing! Oh, how it is music to my ears! There is something so infectious about their laughter and I often find myself laughing uncontrollably with them! If I am having a bad day, hearing my son or daughter laugh always makes me feel better!
I hate the sound of my children crying, especially if they are really sad, scared or in pain. When my son had appendicitis earlier this year I would have done anything to trade places with him. Watching him in pain and seeing that he was scared of having surgery made my heart ache. I wish that I could always protect my kids from the unpleasant realities that life can sometimes bring.
I love the sound of my kids greeting me at the door when I get home from work. Hearing their little voices exclaiming “Mommy, you’re home!” and listening to them excitedly recite how their day was is magical. It’s my favourite part of the day!
I hate the sound of my kids having a tantrum (what parent doesn’t?) The screaming, the crying, the pounding fists and kicking legs! When the kids are in meltdown mode I often find myself asking where I might be going wrong. It will be at these times that I am most critical of myself as a parent. I know all kids go through tantrums and that I am not the only parent to experience them, but I hate how those low moments will make me feel like a failure or a bad mom.
I love watching my kids growing up and all of the new things they are learning every day. I feel so lucky to be a part of and witnessing their achievements. From reaching milestones as babies, to climbing the play structure at the park for the first time; from being a shy baby and toddler, to being an outgoing little boy making new friends; from learning to say the alphabet to learning to read – I am so proud of the people my kids are becoming!
Motherhood may not always be enjoyable – it can be a frustrating, test-my-patience experience – but the rewards that come with being a mom make the highs and lows all worthwhile.