I’m sorry, baby, but the day you were born was not the best day of my life. Honestly, when I think of the very best day of my life so far, which includes 29 Christmases and birthdays, a few trips to Disney World, two hard-earned graduations, and one kick-ass wedding day, the day you were born doesn’t even break the top five. If I could forget the reality of your birth, the several unmedicated hours of pushing a 💩 the size of a ⚾️ out of my 🍑 (and that, mamas-to-be, is exactly what it feels like), then maybe, maybe I could say that the day you were born was the best day of my life.
You’ll be a man one day, baby boy, so let me be very clear: No woman ever spent the best day of her life in front of a TV. Period. And yet, Judge Judy was the other person in our delivery room. It could have been worse. It could have been Maury, was Maury, until I screamed for your father to put down my leg and pick up the remote. I was a few pushes away from literally giving birth while a man shouted, “you are not the father” in the background. Let that sink in for a second.
The truth is, sweet boy, I would like to imagine the best day of my life with clothes on. And if I’m going to be naked, damn it, let me at least be skinny. Nope, there is no room for stretch marks and leaky breasts in my best day. No room for pushy lactation consults, or my father-in-law… at the foot of my bed… as his son tries to massage the milk from my breasts. No. Just no. Being topless and torn and surrounded by family and doctors sounds like how I could spend my last day, but no-effing-way if it’s going to be how I spend my best day.
My perfect, angel baby, forget about just one day. When I think of all the days of the rest of my life, you are the best part of every single one. You made all the cliches come true; you are everything to me, there is nothing without you, it’s like throwing a hotdog down a hallway. I need you to know, Baby B, that just because the day you were born was not the best day of my life, does not mean that you aren’t the best thing that ever happened to me.