This is harder than I thought. I knew it was going to be hard. I knew it was going to be chaos. I knew it…. But the truth is… it’s hard! And sometimes I’m scared that I won’t be able to do it.
Before my son came home we had to learn how to do his dialysis. I had to learn to do the whole thing… perfectly and properly. I had to learn how to care for his G-Tube because he wasn’t drinking from a bottle. I had to learn how to give him his special formula. I had to learn how to give him his shots and all of his medications. My son needs special care and I had to learn how to care for him. I needed to learn all of this to bring him home. So I learned how to do it. I learned how to be his nurse. And I would do anything and everything to have him home.
I am the type of person that writes lists and has sticky notes all over the place. I LOVE spontaneity… providing that it is carefully planned!! I like to know what to expect in situations. I like to know that I am well prepared. I don’t like surprises and I hate being late. Even with having six kids… getting ready for church for us starts three hours early; and if we get a late start, which happens with kids, I go insane. I think I am a little OCD because if I see the smallest thing out of order I feel my life will instantly fall apart. I am most definitely not a clean freak… how can I be with six kids?! But I like schedules… I like order… I like sticky notes. My favorite thing in the kitchen are my white boards hanging on the front of the fridge, the side of the fried and on the wall next to the fridge.
SO…. with all that being said……. six kids… two preemies… one with special needs… THIS–IS–HARD!
Last night I was sitting in the rocking chair watching my son play with his toys in his crib. He would slap at his dangling horse and try to grab it. He would wiggle and laugh… it was the cutest thing! It was then that I broke down. I only cried for about one minute. I really still try not to get emotional about things. But I did, I cried. For a brief moment I flashbacked to when my son was in the NICU and I would sit at his bedside… just like I am now. And for a brief moment I wished that he was back in the NICU. Horrible thing to think, I know. But being in the NICU was just so much easier. I, of course dont wish him harm. . But just knowing he was well taken care of… much better than I could ever do! Luckily those thoughts only lasted briefly. I think God for having my son home and healthy enough to be home…..
….but yesterday was a hard day. This week was a hard week. Last week was a hard week. Not one day that our son has been home has been easy. Not one day has gone smoothly. Everyday …. every….day….
I can drag this post on and on about all the hard stuff I have been dealing with…. stuff like our private home nurse not knowing how to administer our sons medications… stuff like that nurse almost killing my son because when he finally did give him his medication, he was doing it completely wrong…. stuff like our leasing company trying to kick us out of our house because of a late house payment…stuff like my husband’s supplemental retirement check not coming in on time and us wondering where we are going to get money for food… simple stuff like that.
One thing I am reminded of is the story of Moses and the people he was leading out of Egypt.
Exodus 13:18 says “So God led the people around by way of the wilderness…”
Moses and all the people that were escaping Egypt didn’t have it easy. And God never told them that it would be easy. This scripture says it right there. God led them THROUGH the wilderness. They had to rely solely on FAITH. One thing was for sure… God was leading the way.
Exodus 13:21 “And the Lord went before them by day in a pillar of cloud to lead the way, and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light, so as to go by day and night.”
Whatever you are going through… I know it’s hard. I am three weeks out of the “NICU-Life”. I thought my son being home was going to go smoothly. I expected chaos and hard and all that… but I did NOT expect THIS hard…
But I know we will make it. I know God is leading our way. I know God will make a way.
Be Blessed everyone. Know and Believe that God is leading the way. And that no matter how hard you think it is….. YOU just have to keep your eyes on Him… allow HIM to lead your way.