May 27th of this year, started out just like any other day. Except for the fact that I received a positive pregnancy test. I was ecstatic! I had asked my husband to pick up a test on his way home from work because I suspected something was different with my body. Having had two children already, I already knew how to pinpoint the signs of pregnancy. You can only imagine the excitement I felt, since I had had a chemical pregnancy that past October.

Now that I look back at that day, staring at that test, I had something tell me that there might be something that wasn’t right. I am that woman who takes a test every morning to make sure that the line darkens. Since having a miscarriage before, I wasn’t taking any chances. I noticed that the line did in fact darken, but it didn’t seem like it was dark enough. Of course, excitement got the best of me and I threw it to the back of my mind.

Even though those nasty symptoms started popping up like: fatigue, frequent urination and of course the lovely morning sickness, I embraced every single one because I knew it was worth it. The difference between all three pregnancies: this was the worst. Since I had been diagnosed with PPD & PPA, my hormones were all over the place. I would feel bouts of vertigo, anxiety and blurry vision. Living with these mental illnesses, I have learned to tell myself that “it’s all in my head”, that the symptoms weren’t real, but made up. Everything finally started to subside when I got to 5 1/2 weeks pregnant. I thought I was finally in the clear.

We had just moved into a larger apartment and I made sure to keep it easy while unpacking the boxes. On June 9th, I started to feel a little crampy, which of course worried me, and when I went to use the bathroom, I could then see why. I was spotting. I immediately called for my husband, who helped me to the couch. Since it was after hours, I had to call my Ob/Gyn’s emergency line. After explaining everything to my doctor, she advised me to come in the next day for a HCG blood test. This would allow her to see if this was an abnormal pregnancy or not.

I went in the next day, had my blood drawn and since it was Friday, I had to wait till Monday to get my results. When I finally received the phone call, I was told my HCG numbers were great but my progesterone levels were extremely low. Doctors like to see a level of 15-60 in the first trimester, and mine came up as a 5.1. As soon as I heard this, I knew in the back of my mind it was over.

Weeks went by and still my levels remained low. The doctor pushed for an immediate ultrasound. After only a couple minutes went by during the scan, she already had a diagnosis. I was pregnant with a Blighted Ovum. A Blighted Ovum is when a gestational sac forms, but no embryo ever develops. This is usually due to chromosomal abnormalities and happens in almost 50% of first trimester miscarriages. The doctor gave me two choices, D&C or allow my body to have a natural miscarriage. I ended up choosing to go naturally.

Weeks went by, my baby bump was growing, morning sickness was my worst enemy and I was more depressed than ever before. How could I go through another day of feeling these symptoms with no baby? Finally at almost 11 weeks pregnant, I received one last ultrasound. The gestational sac had grown, but there was still no baby. The doctor then advised me I needed to have a D&C to get rid of everything. I was in a dangerous area because the sac was too large to miscarry on my own and I had a higher chance of hemorrhaging. While I was not mentally prepared to have this surgery, I ended up agreeing to have the procedure the next day. After the surgery, I felt so much better. My hormone levels started to fall, which did cause panic attacks, but I knew that I was going to be okay.

For all women who are going through miscarriages. You are not alone. Make sure to talk to someone, whether it be a friend, your mother, or even your husband. Let them know how you are feeling. I really love what my doctor told me, while she sat, trying to console me. She said,

“This is not the end. You GOT pregnant. This means you CAN get pregnant. Don’t let this keep you from living your dreams of having another baby. It WILL happen.”