Stop Punishing and Rewarding Your Kids and Do This! | Dr. Ross Greene
The Kids We Lose documentary creator and author of The Explosive Child has a life changing approach for your child. Dr. Ross Greene found that rewarding good behavior and punishing bad behavior with your child does not work! Parents have expectations that some children have difficulty making. The conflict between many children and parents is that expectations are not being met and a child in conflict is feeling frustrated and exploding, causing more conflict. Dr. Greene has an innovative and supportive way of helping parents and children with conflict resolution. It’s time for parents to ask children to not only be the source of finding a solution of a problem but most importantly, have ownership of the solution. Atara and Grace speak to Dr. Ross Greene to give parents the top tips they need to defuse heated arguments and to help your child understand conflict resolution.
During conflict between parents and child, the heat of the moment is a bad spot to be in for everyone. How can we leave the heated arguments? It’s time for collaborative and proactive solutions! The research has made it evidence based that this is a great way to deescalate a situation.
Atara shares that her wonderful creative son learns differently and that when it became a challenge in the school setting, Atara had read The Explosive Child. The strategies were implemented and everyone benefitted greatly.
So why say no to rewards and punishment? The child is having it done to them rather than working with you. Working together for a solution is key to having a child learn how to manage their feelings and impulsions through challenges. A reward addresses no one’s concern and the punishment also does not address no one’s concern. Consequences do not solve problems. Challenging behavior is about problems that are not solved.
Dr. Greene describes plans that caregivers need to address unmet expectations.
The Power Struggle
Plan A solve a problem unilaterally- Dr. Greene recommends never using this plan. It is about power and unnecessary. Plan B is the better option
Plan B solve a problem collaboratively. You and your child address the problem and together come up with a solution. This gives the child purpose to solve the problem with you as a team rather than losing their power.
Plan C- set aside a particular situation… for now. These children have had challenges for a long period of time and it is not going to be fixed now and have them solved all at once. Dr. Greene recommends not taking on more
than three problems at a time. It’s too much to address for both you and your child.
We are removing the expectations. Not forever. You are not giving up or giving in, it is just a situation of prioritizing. In real life we only use Plan B and C. It’s time to stop thinking that Plan A solves problems and realize that kids concerns will not be heard. It’s time to show your authority by Plan B.
Though it is admirable to try to fix situations and mistakes children are making, especially when we as children have made the same mistakes ourselves, we do not want to overpower but influence our children from our experience wisdom and values. Just avoid using power in the situation.
Let’s make it simple. Dr. Greene wants you to have both the parent and the child’s needs met during in solutions. You are not supposed to talk to the child when in the moment of a heated conversation. However, it’s about be proactive ahead of time .You want to avoid the heat of the moment and always identify challenges. You can find more of these amazing steps on the website. Believe that bad moments can be predicted and you can often avoid a heat of the moment situation.
If you are stuck in a heat of the moment, it does happen occasionally. You can do this in three important steps. Defuse, deescalate and keep everybody safe.
Whether you have children with ADHD, ADD or children that you want to communicate better with, Dr. Greene has a movement that is going to help you and your children have a better relationship.
Buy Dr. Ross Greene’s book The Explosive Child
Follow Grace at The Baby Spot
Follow Atara at Curlee Girlee