It’s here. The holiday season is upon us. For many, it is a time of joy and happiness. A time to enjoy your loved ones and the moments spent with them. For others, such as myself, it is often a time of bittersweetness. A time that reminds me of my losses and emptiness. A time that hurts in a way many may never understand. Every holiday I am surrounded by a group of happy loving people, but the only thing I can feel is the pain. The pain of remembering and longing for the Christmases spent with my family. The pain of wishing my Mom was here to be part of these new memories. I need to remind myself that she is. She is, in a way bigger and better than I can ever imagine. She is a part of me that can never be forgotten or replaced. I can see a part of her anytime I want, by smiling in the mirror, and when my child is born in their eyes. It’s time to stop longing for the past and live in the present, creating new joys. Each tear and moment spent missing something you can not get back is a moment that could have been happiness.
As a child, Christmas is associated with gifts, but this year is the first year I am discovering the absolute truest meaning of Christmas. This year I am asking Santa for one gift and one gift only. You see, this Christmas I am going to ask for the simplest of things. My list this year is for a pair of scissors. Yes, a pair of scissors. I can once and for all cut the anchor that is holding me down. I have so very very much to be grateful for and I am honestly filled with an abundance of love and excitement for my present and future but there is still a part of my past that is pulling me back, like an anchor dragging me down. Grief is a burden, and an anchor, holding me down. It is time to let go, to move forward, realize that the present is exactly what it’s called; a gift. I will remember the good times, but let go of the bad. “Maybe you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be.”
This holiday season I am giving. Giving gifts to myself. The gift of forgiveness, not only to those who have hurt or wronged me, but to myself. It is time to forgive myself for things that are out of my control, for the things that can not be changed no matter how hard I have tried. This year I have created a grown up Christmas list. I am asking for the one thing that no one can give to me. It is gift that I need to give myself. I need to let go of the past and the pain and hurt that comes with it. To allow myself the chance to be utterly and truly happy. I have all I need to be happy, a wonderful fiancee and his incredible family. I am so incredibly blessed and lucky to be marrying into such a great family. A job that I love, an upcoming wedding, and soon enough a bundle of joy will be here. The ultimate gift will be you, my sweet baby. It may take a million people to fill the world, but only one is needed to fill mine. I long for you in a manner that no one will ever know. I need you in a way that no one will ever truly understand. You are so loved and you aren’t even on your way to being here yet. So until that little package gets here, my only wish is for the scissors. We all carry things inside of us, things that no one else can know or see that hold us down like anchors. Time to cut; I refuse to sink.