what not to say to someone struggling with fertility
When you are trying so hard to have another baby and another pregnancy test comes up negative, it is so difficult to not get frustrated. Other than not to be pregnant, it is other’s judgement that makes this time even more unbearable.
Society is structured by milestones. Ideally for some, you would find a mate, date for a couple of years, get engaged, get married, buy a house and have a baby. Each of these steps should be celebrated, it is an accomplishment! But, for most of us, life just does not go that way.
Often times, as soon as you have been dating past that two year mark, people ask when you will get engaged. Once the ring is on your finger, people want to know exactly when the wedding is (and every detail in between), once you are happily married, the questions start coming, where are the babies?
There are many reasons why people do not have children right after they’re married. They may not be financially secure, they would like a few years to just enjoy each other, or they would like to travel extensively. The reasons are endless. However, there is one reason that the baby is not on the way, they (the man, woman or both) may be suffering from infertility issues.
There are so many factors that contribute to infertility. Many reasons are known, some unknown. We are going to talk about some of the many further pressures a couple struggling with infertility issues are going through and ultimately, the advice they do not need from others around them.
DR. EVERYBODY
When a person decides to tell that they are suffering from infertility issues, some people become a “citizen doctor” or diagnosing their friend without a proper medical degree. Those people will strongly pressure to try this or that treatment, eat this or that food or follow what (insert older pregnant celebrity here) has accomplished.
THE FACTS- The fact is, the majority of people are not a doctor. Their “facts” are based on television or what they heard from others. While meant as an act of good faith, a couple struggling with infertility has probably seen a fertility specialist, which is incredibly expensive and can cause a financial burden on a couple. IVF and other processes take time and do not work for everyone.
YOU CAN ALWAYS ADOPT
Yes, they could. Perhaps a couple has considered it. However, a couple may want to try to have their own children as well. It is a big step to adopt and a big decision for a couple to stop trying or to continue trying through an adoption process. Adoption processes take time and this may not be the option some couples may want to go through.
CELEBRITIES ARE HAVING BABIES IN THEIR 40S
Apparently, they are. Some women do have babies in their forties and that is a wonderful experience. However, the rate of miscarriage increases in their mid- thirties. Even though we believe you are as “young as you feel”, a woman’s eggs do not that get memo. We can take excellent care of ourselves but the inevitable thing is, we (including our eggs) age.
An infertile couple suffers with a lot financial, emotional and sometimes physical stress. As exciting as it is to find out that people in your social circle are having children, but instead of the peer pressure, its best to just let things happen. If your friend does tell you about infertility issues, do not put on your “doctor’s hat”. Be that ear to listen to, read up on infertility issues and if your friend asks for help, tell them to see their doctor or stop by the IAAC (Infertile Association Awareness of Canada). It’s a start. There are support groups, people to talk to and a lot of information. If you are blessed not to suffer from any infertility issues, then “put yourself in someone else’s shoes.” Learn about it anyway, be a great support system and even though you are fertile now, that can change. It’s best to be aware.
Let’s stop the societal pressure on couples to have a baby and stop whispering “She’s infertile” and start being a great support system for our friend or family member.
